Whats going to happen

So as of late I have been slightly depressed and hurt that I couldn't make it on my own and that I needed the support of Quint Youth lodge but now I'm happier and coping with it so I'm back for the most part. Sorry to my buddy Austen but Cookie monster is going to have to take a back seat to some serious soul searching and hard spewed writing. i am going to try to explain to you why i am the way i am and why seem a little "unique". Hope you enjoy!!! -D

This is where I stand I hope I clarify somethings.

My Growing Pains

By Ryan Beale

Ok this time my focus is on being more personal and looking deeper into myself. I am constantly looking to mature but I get caught up in life and situations that progression seems relentlessly difficult and hard to achieve. If I had any moment in my life back I could certainly take back royally screwing up my foster place in the Shram’s home. I won’t go into detail on why I left but I will let you know that loved staying there and I regret everything I did to have me leave their care. In a way I can truly say that I hate myself and wish I hadn’t of done what happened there but in a way its taught me a lot about life and what it means to feel repentant of your actions. As I know it might not actually mean anything to them at all or to Katie or Connor I truly apologize for what I did, but I don’t feel sorry for those actions for they only taught me greater things than the consequences that followed. I know it sounds weird and ambiguous but I only feel sorry for what pain I caused and the mistrust I displayed. I feel like if you do something wrong you should tell someone about it before they or that person doesn’t feel truly apologetic of their actions. So I feel remorse and against towards my actions but I can’t say for sure that I am sorry because I had to wait until I was caught before I could apologize.

I have spent countless nights trying to replay the situation in my head to re-do the frankly retarded situation I happened to get my self into and all I can say is: life happens and all I can do now id rebuild. To Barb and Kendall I truly hold you in the highest regard, I find it incredible that you would let me into your home despite not knowing me at all. I thank you for all I learnt from you and for teaching me what a true Christian should be modeled after. I think of you guys as true parents (though obviously not my own) as you had shown me more than any others before you. To Katie I am sorry, nothing I can do now will make things forever better but at the very least I can tell you that I am regretful of what I had done. To Connor, you were an idol and to some extent you still are, I can’t tell you how much of an actual brother you really meant to me, to bad I threw that away. I can still remember telling you about the man I was going to live with (how he seemed lower class and dirty no offense to the fellow) and when you seen you lipped “I see what you mean” my way. I cried the entire way from Warman to West side Saskatoon. To say that every moment I live today isn’t in constant memory of your home is an absolute lie, I miss being with my friends and having a loving and caring family to go home to. But in a sick sort of way I also learned so much about life and living in recluse that I am glad that I left so could really what I learnt and apply it.

If there was something more I could say I would say I miss you guys and I only wish the best for you.